Crazy Faith

One of my favorite songs is Crazy Faith, by Alison Krauss. I love it so much, I learned how to play it on the guitar and sang it in a talent show March 2010. How times have changed since then.

I've learned that faith is a funny thing. You don't always remember it, except for when you need something, want something, or are scared. For me, Crazy Faith means that no matter what, I believe there is something else out there. I believe there is a higher power, for me, God, and I believe I need to do right in this world in order to satisfy that higher power.

I know that God loves me, no matter who I am, but just like in a serious relationship, I need to strive to be better for His sake. Yes, he may love me, no, he will not leave me, but shouldn't I show him some love, respect, and confidence in return for this ever-growing, unconditional love?

We all have a purpose, of that I am 150% sure. I found my purpose a long time ago, and it may be a little silly to some, but I know I'm meant to be a mother. I know I am meant to have children. It might not be a literal "having" as in giving birth, but I know I am meant to shape a child's life and show them what my parents showed me. Don't get me wrong, I'm deathly afraid of having children or even being pregnant. I'm afraid of everything these days. It's because the world is slowing sinking in on me, I'm figuring out that there's so much more out there than I used to think.


Do you remember when you were 8? And all you wanted to do was ride your bike to the pool or rollerblade down that big hill in your neighborhood? Climb as high as you could to the top of the magnolia tree in your next door neighbor's yard? Play hide and seek, make believe, dress-up? I do. Those are all my memories. I remember that, and I would do anything to have it back.

While I am ready to have these new experiences, I'm not ready to let go of the past, to let go of the thought that, if I really wanted to, I could go wherever I want.

I've chosen my major. I've chosen an internship, I've chosen what I'm going to be doing for the next two years. The security of it all amazes and scares me at the same time. After those two years, I have no idea. And that's ok, for now.

But, at night, or in church, or when I'm at work, I panic. I panic knowing one day, if God wills it, I will be giving birth, going through one of the most painful experiences in a woman's life. One day, I'll be old. I won't remember anything, because I'm quite sure I'll have Alzheimer's. And I'm scared of that. I took these years for granted, and I would do anything to get them back.


Know this: I will not take these next two years for granted. If anything, I'll use this experience to strengthen myself & come out a stronger person. The Atlantic is just an ocean. It's not final, it's not death. Sometimes we say "we can't" when really, we just don't want to make the decision, the effort, or the risk to do it.

Now, I think of ways to make things happen, not reasons why they can't or shouldn't.

My Brother & Saturday Fiasco

I have quite an amazing brother, he is wonderful, sweet, caring, happy, loving, and funny. He loves people, music, football, sports... all kinds of sports, he likes the information. He loves to read and he loves to be outside or be inside & play video games. He likes movies. He watches Glee with my sister & I.

He tells me how much he loves me whenever I talk to him, and he's 10 years younger than I am. He's like my own child, I had a hand in raising him by changing his diapers, feeding him, & playing with him while our parents were at work or meetings, during the years Mom was the Senior Vestry member at the church... woof.

He was hospitalized Friday with Osteomyelitis... which personally I have never heard of, but it's basically an infection you get in your bones or around your bones. He got it on his right knee, both sides. They scraped it out Saturday morning after cutting a hole into his right knee. They say they got it all out, and they sent some cultures off to be tested. Apparently, this happens to children during the summer, when they're active and outside and their veins have bacteria in them and they swell up. The bacteria is from all over the body, not just a central point, so it's hard to say how it was caused exactly. He was scared, he's never been in surgery before, and neither have I minus the whole wisdom teeth removal fiasco of 2008 (my experience was A BREEZE compared to Margie's... it was really uneventful for me in general actually).

Anyway, after surgery on Saturday the pre-teen got to play with an Xbox. Because at the childrens hospital, they have game consoles or whatever that you can play with.

Attention: If I am ever in the hospital, whether I'm giving birth, having surgery, or on my death bed, that hospital better provide a manicurist & a masseuse for me. If M can play with an Xbox during his stay, I want to be happy too.

Apparently today he is in pain from his knee.
Please keep him in your prayers!!

On another note, I ALMOST DIED LAST NIGHT. I got in bed around 10:30 pm. Ok, strike that, I had not left the bed the entire day but to make meals. I even ate my meals in bed. Saturdays, if I'm too tired from the week, I like to sleep. However, there really comes a time when there is nothing to do if all your friends are at work or busy, like mine were on Saturday. So, I didn't leave my bed. I attempted to study for my final I have tomorrow at 11 am (TYPICAL), but it didn't happen.

After I watched JK Rawling's biography/movie thing, I turned to the Travel Channel to watch this ghost adventurers show with these 3 guido dudes who lock themselves into haunted places, mess with the ghosts, and try to get EVPs. It's cool when you're with someone else. By yourself, FREAKING SCARY. So, by 10:30, this little lady had the lights turned off & was in bed.

With a pounding headache. I don't like taking medicine. Not because I'm all gung-ho about organic crap or whatever, but because when I have a headache I just expect it to go away. It's usually late at night & I'm in bed. I do not like to get out of bed once I'm in it. Just like with car trips, you have to start all over again. My bed time tradition is slightly weird, I do breathing exercises and focus on this one image if I can't fall asleep. It's a black room & I rotate it in my mind until I get dizzy, then usually I fall asleep.

Oh no. Not last night. My head was pounding, and the clock was right next to my ear. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. And then, just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, I heard gunshots.


Mother of PEARL. GUNSHOTS?! Saturday night at 11 pm... NOBODY WANTS TO HEAR GUNSHOTS. As I am not a gun aficionado and cannot recognize guns by the sounds they make, I have no idea if it was a gun or a shot gun or a bbgun... it doesn't matter to me. When you hear 10 in a row, it's over. THERE IS NO WAY YOU CAN GO TO SLEEP WHEN THAT HAPPENS.

I may watch too much Cold Case, NCIS, SVU, & Criminal Minds. All I can think about is, who is going to save me if some crazy psycho busts down my door and takes me away. My landowners are at the beach, I'm in the middle of NOWHERE, and I have no sense of security.

After these 10 gunshots happen, my mind is freaking out. I have a sinking feeling that I am going to die... either from somebody else or myself because I feel like I'm going to look over and outside my sliding glass door there's going to be a person.... staring at me.

I am paranoid. And then, about 30 minutes later, another 5 gunshots... Well now I'm freaking out. There are tons of voices in my head, and my adrenaline is going and my heart beat is beating fast & I'm sure in 10 seconds someone is going to break in and I'll have to run out and escape into the woods or escape somewhere. And call 911.

Around 1:15 am, I am still not asleep. I take the clock off the wall, hide it in my closet and take an ibuprofen.

I am still alive though. Barely.

Got A Secret, Can You Keep It?

This song runs through my head a lot these days :) I love the song & it has a special place in my heart.

I learned my lesson a while back that there are a few people that you can truly trust in this world to keep your deepest secrets, regrets, and fears. Because of this, I don't give up information about myself to people willy-nilly. If I've learned anything, I've learned that sometimes it's nice to have secrets, to not share with tons of people, and to keep things special.

I went to church this past Sunday, since I was in town, and it was a wonderful service, as Episcopal services generally are (not including Baptisms or the formal services where you sing every response...). The Psalm for the day was Psalm 139:

¹ O Lord, you have examined my heart
      and know everything about me.
 ² You know when I sit down or stand up.
      You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.
 ³ You see me when I travel
      and when I rest at home.
      You know everything I do.
 ⁴ You know what I am going to say
      even before I say it, Lord.
 ⁵ You go before me and follow me.
      You place your hand of blessing on my head.
 ⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
      too great for me to understand!

I was blown away by the ability that God has to motivate me to go to church when it's pouring down rain, wait through watching a tow truck drag a car out of a ditch after an accident, turn around & go back the other way, and still get to church on time. It was so moving to know that God knows what I refuse to tell people at times. It's not that I am incapable of trusting, it's that I have learned my lesson on whom I can and cannot trust.

Oscar de la Renta, Resort 2012... In LOVE with this

Yet another week of loving my job. The operators SEEM to care for me & respect me & the fact that I'm a 21 year old girl who knows very little about tire making and machines. They become my friends, my brothers, my fathers... I've had at least 3 operators try to set me up with the same guy. It's funny because I don't think that they discuss this with one another. I really am going to miss them, it's slightly heart breaking to know that next week is the last week I'll see Crew 1 at work, some of my favorite operators work on this crew.

Oscar de la Renta, Resort 2012

And, today & yesterday I got to run a tire making machine. This is supposedly not something that people just do. "New Hires" train for about two weeks, I think, before they're even introduced. I might not have that information correct, but that's ok. I have made friends with most of the trainers, Walter, Kenya, Maurice & Michael, and Walter is training me this week. I made a promise to myself that I would learn to make a tire, and I am well on my way to fulfilling that promise. How can I work someplace & tell people things if I do not properly understand how they work?

I ran that machine for an hour today, with 20 minutes of downtime & changing one product, all with Walter's help. He's this older guy who has gold plating around one of his front teeth. He's got character, he thinks I'm hilarious, and he's nice to me. Ok, he's about 40, maybe 50. I am not a judge of age, do not ever hire me as a bouncer to your bar. Well, today I made 6 tires in about 35 minutes, and yesterday I made 3 in about 20ish minutes. Tomorrow I am running another machine making the same tire, which is a good ol' 16" Michelin replacement tire, meaning that people buy these tires from stores, they don't come with the car like a Ford F150.... It's complicated to talk about, because I don't want to reveal Michelin secrets. However, I have been told they have no secrets in this day & age with the internet, etc, but I sure do not want to test that!

Maybe we should make all of our acquaintances sign non-disclosure agreements with hefty fines if they break the agreement. I have not signed one for Michelin, and I don't know if I will in France either, but it sure would be nice to know that somebody is not going to break your confidence with an actual fear of losing money or something of monetary value.

Also, Pretty Little Liars is on tonight. I'm slightly obsessed.

Has anyone ever truly been able to look at something and say, oh yes, that right there is a millimeter? I can't measure feet, and the operators have to know what 3 mms looks like.... in shabby lighting also!

What A Feeling

Love this song by Diamond Rio...

It's a Saturday, and it just stopped raining. I love listening to the rain, walking in the rain, singing in the rain, and puddles. In high school, whenever it rained, I would go out into the dead end & walk through the puddles, wearing my bright yellow rain jacket. It really is quite yellow, I still have it today. Rain is something that I could always agree with. It either mimicked my feelings or it made me think that I was one of the luckiest people alive. Lately, it's been the latter. I am so blessed to be here, to be making this experience and learning about myself. It's quite thrilling, but also slightly scary.

I saw Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows (Part 2) last night. After anticipation since I was 10, the movie ended. I started reading the first book, Harry Potter & The Sorcerer's Stone when I was 10. When the movie came out when I was 11, I was furious. They left out parts of the book that I had enjoyed, especially when Harry, Ron & Hermoine went to find the stone. There were originally supposed to be seven obstacles, but in the movie there were only five. The one that I most enjoyed was the obstacle set up by Snape, where Harry & Hermoine had to solve a riddle & drink a potion to continue on. However, there was only enough potion for one, so Hermoine stayed behind. As the movies have progressed, I try to distance myself from the books so I can enjoy the story in the movies.

Last night, however, was a different story. I bought the 7th book last month, and have read it three times since. I was not distanced at all from the plot. However, I enjoyed what the director brought to the movie, putting twists on the plot & making me think about it in a new way.

A lot of people don't like Harry Potter, and that doesn't really bother me. The thing is, I don't like things that other people do like, but it doesn't mean that I don't respect them. I've stuck with the books since I was 10, and 11 years later I do not believe it is truly over. For why are their words on paper, if not to be read repeatedly? Something that takes you away from the world and inserts you somewhere else is truly amazing, and I believe that no matter what, it will continue.

There are great books out there that are still discussed, poetry that is still acclaimed, and works written by people who have long since passed away. However, their works are still in print, they are still passed around, still discussed, still analyzed. Works like Macbeth, Hamlet, Romeo & Juliet, The Great Gatsby, and The Bible. I believe that JK Rowling is a fabulous writer & that her works will continue to thrive.

Yes, I know I just compared her to F. Scott Fitzgerald & Shakespeare. Oh well, it's my opinion & isn't that what I'm supposed to be writing about?

Work Drone

I enjoy my job, it's nice to know that I am appreciated for the work I put into random activities, such as taking cycle times. If I tend to talk too much about it, it's because it's extremely time consuming & annoying yet rewarding. I meet people, I listen to people's stories, hear about their lives, and help them out in their daily jobs. I really do appreciate and am awed by the operators who work at the Dothan plant.

It's hard, grueling work. They make approximately 140 tires OR MORE, per person. They change products on these huge metal yo-yos called bobbins. They know their machine that they work, they know down to the millimeter if something is not the way it is supposed to be. I can't even tell if my bed is 3 feet away from my set of drawers... I just compare how tall I feel I am to whatever I'm attempting to measure (which apparently is not 5'3" like I thought it was when I was 15, 16, and 18 and what it says on my drivers license.... WHOOPS)...

But these people stand on their feet for 12 hours, minus 70 minutes a shift where they are on break. It's just mind boggling and I am awed by their determination. I know I could never do it, mentally or physically.


Anyway, I love my job, however I'm not sure I'm entirely ready to grow up. Most of my friends are in Auburn or Charlotte this summer, or their respective schools, having a grand ol' time, some taking classes. I dislike the fact that I'm living alone, so far away from everyone, but I wouldn't change this experience for anything.

Another IE that was recently hired (he actually did his interview on my first day of work) is 24. He graduated from THE OTHER SCHOOL with a Chemical Engineering degree (I didn't even know that they had/offered engineering degrees). He's a nice guy, and is married. He's 3 years older than I am and has been married for a year. A YEAR! That means, in my head.... I have to start dating someone in the next year... Then when I'm 22 I will get engaged and when I'm 23 I'll get married.

Alright, well in 9 months I turn 22. Personally, that freaks me out that he's married. I brought it up, he didn't really understand... Alright.
As a child/teenager, I always thought to myself, I'm going to meet that special someone in college, just like my parents. My parents are wonderful, wonderful people. They are truly in love, from what it looks like to me & to other people including my siblings. They met at ECU, in one of the dorms (Jarvis) when my mother was trying to study & some idiot was playing drunk guitar songs loudly during quiet hours.

That drunk guy, or sober guy playing drunk songs (depending on when the story is told & the storyteller), was my father.
Later on after knowing each other, my mom asked my dad out because he was the only one she knew who had a suit with him at college... She was going to some honors dinner function. She's pretty much the bomb-dot-com.

where my parents met, Jarvis!

In front of the dorm, 27 years later!

To me, they just don't make love like this anymore. Through thick & thin, for better or for worse is something that isn't exactly honored now. For worse just means, when it gets tough, we'll get a divorce.
To me, their relationship might not be perfect, but it works, and they work hard to stay in love & happy. Especially with three crazy kids, and me as one of them!


Wow, I got super off topic... But that's the beauty of it all.

Tuesday Things

As I sit watching HP and the Prisoner of Azkaban, I am soooo sad about Friday. The past 12 years of my life have been filled with the expectation of another book, another movie, another adventure with Harry, Hermoine, and Ron. Is it possible to be truly sad that it is over?

On another note, I love nail polish. Not getting my nails done, why should I spend $20 on a manicure when I can buy at least 3 colors? I love blues, purples, pinks, reds, greens, lavender.... etc. I have painted my nails Russian Navy by OPI from their Russia collection. My mother gave it to me for Christmas two or three years ago, saw it on my nails & named it "bruised toe blue". My sister got Catherine the Grape. I steal it from her every time I go home... Sometimes, not always, I am successful.

Today, an operator tugged my pony tail... Quite strange, isn't it? I wasn't aware I was back on the playground at Selwyn Elementary... He's a Florida fan, so it's not like we could ever be friends.

I've been reading the French Vogue & looking at fashion blogs, etc online... and I really, really wish I was more fashionable.

 

 

luckymag.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pelican Fly

I have a midterm tomorrow for my World Lit 2 class. Instead of studying, I spent 11:30 am til 4:30ish pm doing Kappa recruitment stuff, helping out my sisters Kelsey & Jordan. Let me tell you, I AM SO BUMMED I WILL NOT BE AT RECRUITMENT THIS FALL!!!

It is going to be so fun, so cool, and there are so many awesome things going on. I basically sent emails today & opened recommendations. I'm sworn to secrecy on some things, which I am totally a-okay with keeping.

For those of you who don't know, going to recruitment at Auburn is extremely stressful. There are 17 sororities. You meet all sororities in the first two days, they're called Ice Water Tea days. There's a specific type of dress that you need to wear, a sundress... not a church dress, not a party dress, a sun dress. And then there's the stressful mutual selection process, where the girls going through recruitment choose their top sororities they meet each round of parties (there are 4 rounds) and eventually, hopefully, you find one that you like. You go from 17 parties the first day to a maximum of 3 on the last day (preference day). Then Bid Day is next!

For the girls in the sororities, it's super stressful also. You're charged with meeting a thousand girls & trying to decide if she'll fit into your sorority... ahh. You scream, you yell, you lose your voice, and you have to remember a lot of stuff. I will NEVER EVER forget meeting Kristina Passi during recruitment on Ice Water Tea day... (she's a Kappa now!) We discussed baseball.... and how baseball players hit each other on the butt sometimes when they've done something good. And how other sports players do the same thing... We think it's weird. Even though that was two years ago, it is a memory that sticks with me and with her, and we have a special bond because of that (hi Passi if you're reading this!!)

This video is one made by Baylor University for their recruitment. It defines my life, I love Kappa, I love my sisters, and I AM Kappa obsessed... I can't think of anywhere else I would rather be.


Back to studying? Must I?

Sunday Funday

I love Sundays.
When I'm at home, I go to church. During the school year, I go to church. Not so much during the summer when I'm living alone and basically have no motivation for anything.

On Sundays, I always want a chicken biscuit.... I always want Chick-Fil-A to be open, but IT'S NOT! such a bummer...

Sundays come with Sunday Secrets from PostSecret, which I have been reading religiously every Sunday for about a year. Now I'm realizing I should have saved my favorite ones. Some I like because they remind me of me, some I like because I know someone going through the same thing, and some I just like because they make you wonder.

Here's one from last week:

I just want to know where that waterfall is, I want to go!

This is from this week:

I think that that is so important. To the entire world, with about 7 BILLION people in the world, I am just one small spec. As Horton would say, "A person's a person no matter how small." Which is true, but sometimes I feel we argue about stupid things that really don't matter.

Is it really that important? The world is filled with wars, discord, poverty, and hunger... Just a thought.

Family Time

These are some of my favorite family pictures from this week... And just fun pictures too!

Margie & ME!

Mommyy & beer

Typical family moment

Mom not caring as Drew tackles Michael

Gosh, I just love my family. I need to do a thing about "Things My Mother Says" like the book "Shit My Dad Says".... She's hilarious!

Operators Say the Darndest Things

You've heard of the saying "kids say the darndest things"... well, let me tell you, it applies to operators who work at the plant. Good LAWD, it is RIDICULOUS. As some of you can attest, they're quite hilarious... let me just list them.

"Hey, do you work out?"
1. WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME THIS?
2. That is a very silly question to ask, especially since I can't hear ANYTHING anyway, so he had to ask me 4 times before I heard him. I stop after the 2nd time now, I just can't take it.
3. He was saying that I had tone arms, 


"How much do you think it would cost to send my daughter to AUM?"
1. Sir, I am an engineer, not a financial planner, not an academic adviser... I cannot tell you, you should have thought of this when she said "hey dad, I'm going to college."
2. If you're sending your daughter to school in August, AKA one month.... It's a little too late.
I answered him, in state tuition is about $5,000 at Auburn a semester. He freaked out, saying he doesn't have that. Sir, you should have thought about that before now. Children are expensive!! Especially those who want to go to college. If you want better for yourself & your children, you need to try and save money...


"You won't find any of the brothers there down at the beach, I'm a brother, I know."
This was told to me by approximately a 40 year old man wearing a back brace... He's talking about people going to the beach...


"You ain't got no kin down here?"
Asked to me by an older man, who was very concerned that I was living in Alabama and my closest family was 6-7 hours away.

This one guy was showing me his new tattoo... It was a Wednesday, he got it on Monday. It is of a green koi fish.

There is a yellow koi, orange, and white. and blue. I see no dark/lime green colored fish. I really wanted to tell him that was a stupid color to choose for a koi tattoo. But it's permanent. So, I will not.
But I said it in my head.

I believe I am going to hell....

Summer Sunshine

The past two weekends, I went to the beach with my family. July 1st, we went to a Braves game, then the 2nd we drove to Auburn & gave my grandfather a tour.

Family after the win

Samford Hall, Auburn

Then, after touring around, we went to the beach. It supposedly is a 4 hour drive to Santa Rosa Beach, FL from Auburn, but, we got there 6 hours after we left Auburn. It was an epic fail of a drive. Meg & I almost died twice. However, get there we did & it was GORGEOUS!

Sunset at the pool

 We had a wonderful time at the beach, I did not take nearly as much pictures as I wanted, but the water was beautiful, with some seaweed the first few days.
I went back to work on Wednesday, and then went back to the beach Friday (yesterday) and back to Auburn today!

Wow, what a crazy week...

Mom & I, relaxing after a hard beach day

Little Lie-on Man

Little Lion Man, Mumford and Sons

I like to exaggerate. What some people would call lies, I just call exaggeration. I'll make numbers higher, say "like ten" instead of "3". I tell people what they want to hear for the most part. "No, I'm not mad at you." or "Yes, I love it here." when really I'm furious & I just want to go home.

When I answer a "how are you?" with "doing well" something is wrong with me. If I'm not talking to an adult whom I respect & won't tell my life/week long story to, then I'm honestly not doing well. However, if I answer with "ehhhhh", I'm telling the truth.