Crazy Faith

One of my favorite songs is Crazy Faith, by Alison Krauss. I love it so much, I learned how to play it on the guitar and sang it in a talent show March 2010. How times have changed since then.

I've learned that faith is a funny thing. You don't always remember it, except for when you need something, want something, or are scared. For me, Crazy Faith means that no matter what, I believe there is something else out there. I believe there is a higher power, for me, God, and I believe I need to do right in this world in order to satisfy that higher power.

I know that God loves me, no matter who I am, but just like in a serious relationship, I need to strive to be better for His sake. Yes, he may love me, no, he will not leave me, but shouldn't I show him some love, respect, and confidence in return for this ever-growing, unconditional love?

We all have a purpose, of that I am 150% sure. I found my purpose a long time ago, and it may be a little silly to some, but I know I'm meant to be a mother. I know I am meant to have children. It might not be a literal "having" as in giving birth, but I know I am meant to shape a child's life and show them what my parents showed me. Don't get me wrong, I'm deathly afraid of having children or even being pregnant. I'm afraid of everything these days. It's because the world is slowing sinking in on me, I'm figuring out that there's so much more out there than I used to think.


Do you remember when you were 8? And all you wanted to do was ride your bike to the pool or rollerblade down that big hill in your neighborhood? Climb as high as you could to the top of the magnolia tree in your next door neighbor's yard? Play hide and seek, make believe, dress-up? I do. Those are all my memories. I remember that, and I would do anything to have it back.

While I am ready to have these new experiences, I'm not ready to let go of the past, to let go of the thought that, if I really wanted to, I could go wherever I want.

I've chosen my major. I've chosen an internship, I've chosen what I'm going to be doing for the next two years. The security of it all amazes and scares me at the same time. After those two years, I have no idea. And that's ok, for now.

But, at night, or in church, or when I'm at work, I panic. I panic knowing one day, if God wills it, I will be giving birth, going through one of the most painful experiences in a woman's life. One day, I'll be old. I won't remember anything, because I'm quite sure I'll have Alzheimer's. And I'm scared of that. I took these years for granted, and I would do anything to get them back.


Know this: I will not take these next two years for granted. If anything, I'll use this experience to strengthen myself & come out a stronger person. The Atlantic is just an ocean. It's not final, it's not death. Sometimes we say "we can't" when really, we just don't want to make the decision, the effort, or the risk to do it.

Now, I think of ways to make things happen, not reasons why they can't or shouldn't.